Okay, I knew I was depressed when I picked up that phone and made the call. I knew he was going to tell me I was. And yet when he said “Yeah, I do agree that you are depressed” I felt like I got punched in the throat.
It hurt my pride just a bit.
And then, as I was choking back tears, he looked at me and said “Samantha, it’s going to be okay. You have already done the hardest part and reached out for help.”
He’s so right. The hardest part was picking up that phone.
I had truly been pretending.
I was even pretending with myself.
After my appointment with my regular doctor I headed across the hall to the mental health department for my first appointment with a therapist. Ever.
To say I was nervous would be an understatement. I’m sure my heart rate was through the roof.
My therapist was so very nice and easy to talk to. I felt very comfortable with her. I’m sure I sounded crazier than I actually am, because I was all over the place. I felt like I needed to tell her everything I possibility could. I walked out of there feeling so much better. Like, wow I can do this.
We talked about setting realistic goals for myself, my family and our future. Which totally sounds like no big deal to the average, non depressed person. But, this depressed mommy has been having a real hard time in that department. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve set goals for myself, even realistic ones. But, what I’ve been lacking is the motivation to put in the hard work in order to achieve those goals.
That is what I am really looking for on this journey.
Yes, I have had all the classic symptoms of depression. I am always tired, yet have a hard time falling asleep. I’m grouchy and irritable a lot. I’ve had days where I literally laid on the couch all day. And I’m sad. But the one thing depression has completely stole from me is my motivation to start making the changes I need to in order to reach my goals and to live happily ever after.
So if you have any clue to who I am, ya know I love my coffee. Like I don’t even want anyone (including my kids) to talk to me before I have had at least a few drinks.
As I’m filling out my intake paperwork and I am actually answering everything honestly, I come to the question about drugs, alcohol, ect. The second to last question was if I drink coffee and how much. I start to freak out in my head.
WHY DO THEY WANT TO KNOW ABOUT MY SWEET, INNOCENT COFFEE??!!! WHAT DID COFFEE DO TO THEM??!!
Close to the end of the session my therapist say’s “lets talk about the amount of coffee you drink.” My heart sank. I responded with “Don’t take away my coffee, please.”
I am supposed to be down to ONE cup of coffee a day by our next session. ONE cup!! I usually have three cups a day, some days I have four!
All in all it was a very good experience and I am looking forward to meeting with her again.
So, yes I am a depressed mommy.
And you know what??
I’m okay with it.
Maybe, because now that I have had two professionals confirm it, I feel a little more normal. Like, it’s not just me.
Or maybe its because now that I have a little help I know their is a light at the end of the tunnel. Like, I am not stuck anymore.
I will get better.
I will get my my motivation back.
And it will be because of Me, Myself and Mommy.
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